THE VIRGIN'S NEAR MISS

      I cannot even think straight
      My head is in a whirl
      Laying right there on my bed's
      The beautifulest girl
      And I am really nervous
      As I stand here at the door
      Cos' I've never had a woman
      Laying on my bed before
      
      Oh no! Oh no! I'm such a fool
      I wish that I was dead
      I dropped my pants and ambled forth
      And tripped onto the bed
      Then I grabbed the cloth around her waist
      And pulled up really hard
      A shirt it wasn't, oh my God
      It was a leotard
      
      She got it dislodged, lucky me
      And now she is undressed
      I'm not quite sure what should come next
      But I will do my best
      I'll kiss her first, that's what I'll do
      With such cool grace and ease
      But right when our lips do connect
      I really have to sneeze
      
      I know I should've held it
      But I didn't want to stop
      And I blew so much air in her mouth
      I caused her ears to pop
      I've gotta make it up to her
      Stop acting like a dork
      So I open up some nice champagne
      And hit her with the cork
      
      Massage! That's it, the perfect thing
      It will make her feel royal
      I go into the kitchen
      And get some canola oil
      It's low in saturated fat
      I'll gently put it on
      But when I get back to my room
      My dream girl's up and gone
      
      And so another lonely night
      Of watching my TV
      I'll drink the champagne all alone
      No one to share with me
      But I will get another chance
      A line I've been perfecting...
      
      "How'd you like a speaking role
      In the movie I'm directing?"