Once upon a time there was a governor called Clinton. He was very slick indeed and had certain ideas on how to win an election. You see, one of his heroes had taught him a seemingly infallible method. Infallible method for winning elections --------------------------------------- (a) Choose a `minority' (BUT do not define it too clearly. This step won't work with a majority.) (b) Portray this minority as `the root of all evil'. (Even if you know it isn't, lying is allowed on this step.) (c) Then sit back while the `majority' votes you into power. (Later you can treat the majority and minority alike.) 1) It's not common knowledge that Clinton tried to get into the Army as an 8F - in case of an enemy invasion, he'd be sent overseas! 2) Clinton is for higher learning. He wants to subsidize 'training bras'. 3) I don't want to say that Clinton is Slick, but he convinced Mario Cuomo that capital punishment is acceptable ONLY if it's not too severe. 4) Hillary has always been spouting off at the mouth. Until she was 6 months old, her parents were diapering the wrong end! 5) When Clinton was a baby, he bawled all night. Now only the spelling has been changed. 6) One night, when Clinton was in bed with Jennifer Flowers, he heard the front door open. Jennifer quickly said "That must be my husband, ... go faster .... I'm coming ... I'm coming" Clinton quickly added "Kiss my ass, I'm going ... I'm going" 7) The polls show that Clinton might be president. I don't want to say it could be a rough economy but I just saw a squirrel bury 4 acorns and a can of sterno. 8) Hillary found Clinton in bed with another woman and angrily asked "What the hell are you doing?". Clinton looked at her with disgust, then looked down at his bimbo and said "Didn't I tell you she was stupid?" 9) Hillary comes home one day to find Clinton in bed with a midget. Her face becomes contorted (more than it usually is) when she screams "You promised you'd never cheat on me again." Clinton innocently looks up at her and replies "Can't you see I'm trying to taper off". 10) Hillary confides to Tipper that Clinton has cut her down to sex two times a month. Tipper says to her "Don't feel too bad, I know a girl he cut out completely." 11) In sizing up the global economy, Clinton said, "There's nothing more expensive than a girl who's free for the evening." 12) Clinton is so politically correct his favorite color is plaid! 13) Clinton was speaking in front of a group of small business owners and says "Remember, we were put on this earth to help OTHERS", to which one of the owners replies, "And what were the OTHERS put here for?" 14) Clinton is like an unemployed schoolteacher? No class and no priciples! 15) In his high school year book, Clinton was chosen as the "Boy Most Likely To" 16) Clinton must be with the secret service...he's always undercover" 17) What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead liberal? There are skid marks in front of the dead dog..... 18) What did Clinton whisper to Jennifer Flowers concerning the Martin Luther King holiday? "Shoot four more and we'll take the whole week off" 19) You know what happened when Clinton went swimming in the ocean - OIL SLICK!!! 20) Why is the democratic party like granola? Cause once you get passed all the fruits and the nuts, all you have left is the flakes! 21) Clinton stopped calling Hillary "the little woman" once she started calling him "the big mistake". 22) Clinton takes Hillary out every night...but she keeps coming back. 23) Clinton is a guy who'd like to do all the things Hillary thinks he does. 24) Clinton's not a 'yes-man'. When Hillary says "no", he says "no". 25) When Clinton married Hillary, he lost his liberty in pursuit of happiness. 26) They say "It's a priviledge to be able to pay taxes". If Clinton becomes president, I will have to give up the priviledge. 27) I built a business so that my children would someday take it over. However, if Clinton is elected, the government will certainly beat my children to it. 28) Clinton will finally put poverty within our reach! 29) "Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today". After all, Clinton will have a tax on it by then. 30) Clinton just invented a new drink called the `tax cocktail'. After an extramartial partner drinks two of them, she withholds nothing... 31) Clinton plans to lick inflation. According to Jennifer Flowers, it's the only thing left for him to lick. 32) Clinton is the flower of manhood - he's a blooming idiot! 33) I wouldn't say that Hillary is rotten, but you get the feeling Eva Braun didn't die in that bunker. 34) They once caught Clinton skinny dipping in the pool - the secretarial pool that is.... 35) If Clinton becomes president, `going-out-of-business' stores will! 36) A very concerned Clinton once said to his girl friend's obstetrician "Tell me the truth doctor, how long do I have to leave town?' 37) Clinton once got beaten up for kissing the bride. It was three years after the ceremony. 38) Clinton once told Al Bore "I'll sleep with rich or poor girls anywhere and anytime". Al asks "What's the difference?" Clinton says "Well, those that are poor, I help out". 39) Clinton called an electrician to do some home repairs and found out that he charged $85 per hour. Clinton said "Eighty-five dollars an hour? I never made that much even when I was governor" The electrician replied "Neither did I when YOU were governor....!! 40) With Mario Cuomo's legislative record on abortion, when he goes to confession, he brings his lawyer! (I know. These are supposed to be Clinton jokes... I'm sorry ... my mind wandered ...) 41) If George Bush were to say "Listen, America. Opportunity is knocking", Clinton would complain about the noise. 42) Clinton has invented a new antiperspirant - unemployment!! 43) When Clinton was asked how he felt about lesbians, he said "I don't know, I've never been to Beirut." 44) You can always tell when Clinton is lying....his lips are moving. 45) Clinton once remarked incredulously "If George Washington never told a lie, HOW did he become president?" 46) When Clinton becomes president, he'll make us all `tap dancers in the canoe of life'. 47) Teddy's new boat was bright blue Had a date with a maiden he knew The coroner found The poor girl had drowned Kissing Ted in his leaky canoe!! (oops,my mind wandered again!) 48) Unhappy at the state of little Clinton's room, his mother came up with a new rule: Every time she picked something up, he would have to pay her a dime. At the end of the first week she added up the chores and asked Clinton for ninety cents. He paid her and said "Thanks Ma .... Keep up the good work...." 49) Clinton promises UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICES WITH VALET PARKING. 50) Don't let anybody kid you. Clinton's been in love with the same woman for years. But if Hillary ever finds out, she'll kill him... 51) Clinton always has said "It is better to have loved and lost.... much better......" 52) Clinton and Hillary were `riding the hobbyhorse' one night and both noticed there was a lack of mutual enthusiasm. After a while Clinton said "What's the matter Hillary ... can't you think of anybody either?" 53) A family in Clinton's Arkansas finally found out why they had trouble keeping up with the Joneses - the Joneses were on welfare. 54) After Clinton becomes president they'll be a lot of things your money can't buy - like what your money bought a week ago. 55) Clinton said to a group of businessmen, "When I was a kid, I wanted to be a pirate." They cheered in unison "Congratulations!" 56) Clinton's got property in Atlantic City. A motel still has one of his bags. 57) A prostitute met ninety-year-old Clinton at a bar. In usual form, he asked her if she wanted to have some fun. She said "Oh come on, you've had it." He replied "Ok, how much do I owe you?" 58) Clinton, in defending his foreign policies, says "I know how to handle the Arabs". A reporter asks "What would you do with the Bedouins?". Clinton replies "The Bedouins we oppose .... the Goodouins we support." 59) Clinton wanted Hillary in his arms, but instead, found her on his hands. 60) The psychiatrist waited until His Royal Clintonness was comfortable on the couch, then said "Why don't you start at the beginning..." Clinton said "OK. In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth....." 61) The plane landed. Clinton, while walking down the mobile steps, looked at the panorama and remarked "I have never seen such utter devastation. It's amazing what a hurricane can do." The pilot said "Governor, we were in Homestead yesterday, this is Arkansas." 62) If Clinton becomes president, many people will be willing to trade their checks for the withholding. 63) If Clinton never inhaled, why is Hillary measuring the presidential chair for a seat belt. 64) You can't call Clinton a cheap politician. He cost his state a fortune. 65) Clinton is more than happy to stand on his record. That way, nobody can see it. 66) Clinton is just the man to get the country moving. If he wins, I'm moving. 67) Clinton and Hillary had just consummated their marriage. Hillary asked Clinton "Was I the first?". He replied "Why does everybody ask me that question!" 68) A conductor went down the aisle of the train shouting "Change for Marietta...Change for Marietta". A very young Clinton said "I don't know who this Marietta is, but I'll throw in a quarter for her." 69) They now have a train that can go 200 miles an hour through Arkansas. Considering the results of the Clinton governorship, that's not a bad way to go through Arkansas. 70) Hillary has the look that turns heads ..... and stomachs too ... 71) A young black lady found herself in a delicate condition. Going to see Clinton, the father, she said, "If you don't marry me, I'll kill myself." To which his grand slickness replied "That's very nice of you." 72) Clinton's `new covenant' clearly accepts all denominations - tens, twenties, fifties, ............. 73) When Chelsea was born to Hillary and Clinton, he asked "What makes you think she's going to be a liberal democrat?" Hillary replied "Cause like you, she says so many things that sound great and mean nothing." 74) Many democrats in congress are calling it quits - there's nothing left to steal.... 75) Clinton's shades were falling fast When for a kiss he asked her She must have said "yes" because Clinton's shades came down much faster 76) Success hasn't changed Clinton. He's still the same lousy womanizing bum he's always been .... 77) Did you know that Clinton once got a hernia during a consciousness- raising session? 78) Clinton and Al Bore still haven't learned that a "communist" is somebody who has nothing and wants to share it with you. 79) Clinton suddenly started to feel a pain in his groin. After examining him, the doctor said, "How often do you make love?" Clinton says "Three or four times a day with various extramarital beauties and maybe twice a week with Hillary." The doctor says "You're going to have to slow down. Why don't you start by cutting out Hillary." Clinton replies "Damn it, I can't do that. If I do, I'll have to make her Secretary of State." 80) Little known fact: When Clinton went on jury duty they found him guilty..... 81) When Clinton was a youngster, he had an inferiority complex - that was the last time he was right about anything! 82) For every woman that has made a fool out of Clinton, there is another woman who has made a fool out of Clinton. 83) There are as many Clintons as there are whores to describe him. 84) If Clinton had his life to live over, he shouldn't! 85) It's too bad Clinton has never had an X-ray. That way even his supporters would be able to see through him... 86) Have you noticed that Vilhelm Von Clinton is always hoarse. That's because he tries to prove he is right by being wrong at the top of his lungs. 87) Clinton has promised to make us all upstanding citizens. He'll take our furniture too! 88) Clinton has something in common with Adolf Hitler - they only call Dial-A-Prayer to see if they have any messages.... 89) In this picture we see Clinton and Al Bore working together for the first time as members of the same tug-of-war team - they're the 1st and 2nd jerks from the right. 90) Clinton has admitted "I'm glad Hillary has joined the feminist movement. Now she complains about all men, not just me! 91) During a feminist demonstration, one feminazi was screaming "Free Women! ... Free Women!" Clinton, who happened to be working his way through the crowd, asked her quietly "Do you deliver?" 92) Clinton has been giving George Bush the benefit of his inexperience. 93) Hillary wasn't born yesterday. Nobody could get that ugly in 24 hours. 94) Clinton says to Al Bore, "I can't break Hillary of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What does she do?", Al asks. "Waits for me to get home", Clinton answers. 95) If Clinton becomes president, he'll undoubtably hire a beautiful secretary and make her the object of a presidential probe." 96) Clinton loves hi-tech computers. He always has his Wang in his hand.... 97) Clinton thinks Catholics are inferior Yet, to win, he needs JFK's interior "I'll get that vote" Clinton wrote "If I have to sleep with the Mother Superior" (and he probably has). 98) When Hillary was in college, her mother said to her, "Don't play with boys, they're too rough". Hillary replied "Don't worry mother, I've found a teflon one." 99) As a business man, Clinton worries me. He thinks Dun & Bradstreet is an intersection! 100) Tipper Bore says to Hillary, "Hey, I love your new panties and bra". Hillary replies "Yeah, they are nice, Clinton got 'em for me". Tipper says "Were they a suprise?" Hillary says "They sure were...I came home...and there they were, hanging over a chair in the bedroom... 101) Clinton was discussing his healthy sex life with Al Bore, the environmental whacko, and Al, after hearing all of the sordid details curiously askes Clinton, "Do you ever talk to Hillary after sex" ... Clinton says, "No, but I could, I have her office phone number..." 102) One day Clinton was reading the newspaper. Hillary walked over and, noticing a picture of Jennifer Flowers, broke into tears. Clinton broke down and admitted having an affair. However, to soften the blow, he showed Hillary the adjoining column which featured a picture of Bush's supposed extramarital partner. After looking back and forth at the two pictures, she looked at Clinton once again and said "I like ours better...." 103) One day Clinton admitted to Al Bore "My wife Hillary is such a liar." Al Bore said "What did she do?" Clinton said "She told me she was with Jennifer Flowers all night last night." Al said "How do you know it was a lie?" Clinton said "Because I spent last night with Jennifer Flowers." 104) Clinton says to Hillary, "Listen dear, I'm having an affair..." To which Hillary replies, "Really?.... Who's catering it? ....." 105) What's the difference between Clinton's platform and a messy room? ...... You can straighten up a messy room. 106) When Clinton was recently asked about the new abortion bill, he said, "Ah thought Ah paid it!" 107) Clinton fully supports the feminist movement in America because "It gives all them babes something to do in their spare time." 108) What does Clinton have in common with Seven-Up?........... Never had it, never will.... 109) Al Bore has isolated the cause of sickle-cell anemia? It's from the glue on food stamps! Good job, Al.... 110) Know why Clinton has no freckles?.... they slid off .... 111) The biggest joke of all - Clinton as president. There is nothing funnier (except the naive jerks that vote for him). On second thought, maybe it's not so funny!?